I am 32 as of yesterday..or the day before, or today or a few days from now (more on that later). I am 32 and this most recent trip around the sun has been filled with what I can only describe as failure.
I have felt like a failure for three hundred and sixty five days. Hell, if I'm being honest, I have felt like a failure for approximately five hundred and fifty three days. I have felt like a failure as a friend, girlfriend, sister, business owner/partner, best friend...I've just felt like a general human failure...Ha! I have felt like the prototype for all possible fuck ups in my relationships with people I love.
I have felt...that's the most interesting part here...I have felt so much these past 563 days. I think I turned off a select area of my feelings so that I can survive after my mama died. This period of my life has activated feelings I didn't know I had or was capable of feeling anymore. When you lose a parent, or in my case both parents, something shatters in you beyond repair (or so you think). When you lose a mother, your mother, your first & greatest love...my god, I don't wish that pain on my worst enemy. I don't necessarily have the words to describe it but this Mitch Albom quote resonated when I first read it.
“I hope you never hear those words. Your mom. She died. They are different than other words. They are too big to fit in your ears. They belong to some strange, heavy, powerful language that pounds away at the side of your head, a wrecking ball coming at you again and again, until finally, the words crack a hole large enough to fit inside your brain. And in so doing, they split you apart. ” Mitch Albom
Feeling like that, feeling broken and lost, was not a feeling I reveled in. I did not thrive in those feelings...or so I thought. Those feelings, I never wanted to feel them again. So I locked them up, shoved them down deep and swallowed the key. I prayed they would never bubble to the surface again without me seeing the signs and being able to to check them and put them back where they belong. I felt like I was tired of feeling the deepest feelings and so I didn't unless I could control them. Unless I could decide how they would shape my world.
I know you're wondering, what the eff is this girl talking about?. Welp, honestly I don't know but hopefully we'll both get there by the end of this.
I have felt like this past year has been the worst year since my mama died. Unexpected Trauma has bubbled up in my life over and over this past year. Y'all this past year was absolutely HORRIBLE. 😂 I'm not crazy, it's just my life has been so ridiculous you have to laugh to not cry every second. I have not felt like this in 13 years. I have not felt these feelings in 13 years. Whew chile, what a ride it has been.
Since the moment I turned 31 other peoples trauma and story has taken over my own. My not feeling the full bandwidth of my feelings for 13 years made it too easy for me to miss the signs of what was to come. The loss that would come raining down on my life yet again.
My not feeling the difficult feelings put me in a place where: I couldn't understand that the difficult feelings are okay, I couldn't understand that I don't have to fix someone else's feelings or pain, I couldn't understand healthy boundaries protect relationships, I couldn't understand that it's okay to feel the feelings and NOT regulate my environment to control everyone's feelings, I couldn't understand that some people need to feel the difficult feelings in order to keep them alive. I couldn't understand that the difficult feelings coupled with holding space just might save them. I couldn't understand and so I lost.
The life and love I was so secure with I lost. The family that I built after my mama died I lost. Who I thought was my soul mate I have lost...or so I think. The love that I gained I lost. I have lost what and who were most important to me.
No one talks about how difficult and painful it is to grieve the loss of non romantic relationships. Grieving the loss of friendships and sisterhood is a loss I never knew I would have to experience. No one talks about it so I guess I'm the one that needs to...
I have lost so much over the last 32 years. I have had to FIGHT for everything. I have had to fight to exist.
My birth parents left me in an abandoned building days after I was born. (Because of this I will likely never know my real birthday. August 10th was the date the doctors picked with when they brought me to a hospital after finding me. I guess picking birthday's for Jane Doe newborns was simple work back then 😕). My protector, my heart, my daddy, Howard died by the time I was 11. My mama, my heart, Ginny…died just after I turned 18. My life. My life has been a constant battle.
I have had to fight…I have had to fight for everything I have. Even before I knew it was a battle I was fighting. I was fighting to be aligned with the right family when my birth family left me. I was fighting to keep my mama alive when my daddy died. I was fighting to stay alive when my mama died.
I’ve fought to be worthy of family. Worthy of love. I have felt unworthy. I have felt unlovable. I’ve felt alone this past year. But I’ve fought. Because that's what I do. It's what I have always done.
I’ve fought to be a worthy daughter. A worthy sister. A worthy best friend. A worthy girlfriend. I’ve fought. I have fought. I have given everything GOOD in me when they might have actually deserved some of my worst. I’ve fought to be worthy of the people I love.
But on this 32nd trip around the sun, I’m deciding I’m done fighting. I’m done holding guilt. I’m done holding shame. I’m done being anything less than I am...anything less than what I'm meant to be. I'm done because I am worthy and that's a complete sentence. I am a worthy daughter, I am a worthy sister, I am a worthy best friend, I am a worthy girlfriend. I am a worthy business owner, I am a worthy cousin, I am a worthy colleague, I am a worthy auntie, I am a worthy friend, I am a worthy woman. I think I just forgot when the big & difficult feelings snuck up on me unexpectedly.
Yesterday, my birthday, was a beautiful day. It was a bright day. The brightest I've had in a while. This is all thanks to Lex & Evette. I am so grateful for them. There are not enough words in the dictionary. There are not enough metaphors in the universe. There is not a font, a script, a definition that could describe my love and admiration for them. There is not enough matter in this universe to describe what they’ve meant to me. What they mean to me. My soul sisters, they see all parts of me and don't waver, don't judge, don't shun.
They see all parts of me and even when I'm not my best self, they hold me up in the light of goodness so that I can hold myself accountable. That kind of love is unexpected, needed and precious. I love you both deep.
They have made me grateful for these trials. Grateful for this pain. Grateful for this loss.
I know that sounds nuts, but how can I be ready or prepared for the greatness that is in store for me if I am not able to appreciate the pain and confusion of my now? How will I know the good days from the bad if I don't stop to feel the difference? How?
They’ve made me feel so BIG when I’ve felt so small for days.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I am grateful. I am grateful. I am grateful.
I am loved. I am loved. I am loved.
I am seen. I am seen. I am seen.
I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy.
I have made it 32 trips around the sun and I think I’ve just started to get a real peek of me and all I can be.
My idea, Rich Auntie Energy made over $40K last year, & I wasn’t focused. I wasn’t ME. I wasn’t locked in. I wasn’t...
I'm imagining what I can do with focus. With knowing I'm worthy. With ME. With Lex and it’s inconceivable. It’s unconscionable. It is greater than me and you and everything.
I am Eboneé & the exciting part of my story is just getting started.
Thank you God. Thank you Universe. Thank you Mother. Thank you Father.
Thank you for all that is and all that will be.
This is 32 and it’s Real. Unfiltered. & Raw. It’s my Jordan year in reverse and I can't wait to see what's possible for me.
Watch me work.
Love, Light & Wealth,
If you've felt how I've felt this past year or are feeling it now below are a few resources I've used to help me through the tough times.
I am a huge advocate for therapy and prioritizing your mental health. There are resources & programs if your insurance doesn't cover therapy.
- Therapy for Black Girls
- Virtual Therapy Options: BetterHelp, TalkSpace, Cerebral and others.
- Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself
- How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self(THIS BOOK IS AMAZING)
- Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
- Holding Space : A Guide to Supporting Others While Remembering to Take Care of Yourself First
Inspirational & Informative Instagram Pages (Follow all of these pages neeeooww! Trust me!)
We all have one we just have to quiet our ego and open our hearts enough to be able to see and accept them.
We all have everything that we need to live happy and full lives. We've had it all along. It just takes some love, reparenting self, and more love to see the gifts that we've had the whole time. Talk to yourself, do Mirror work, Shadow work if that's your thing, Pray, Yoga, Go to church if that's your thing, Meditation, Journal, Rest, Create routines, Practice Self Love & so much more.
The greatest resource
Is knowing that you don't need anything or anyone outside of yourself to fulfill you. You were born complete. You were created whole. Somewhere in our childhood we were groomed to forget that. To forget ourselves. Love yourself back to your fullness. It's worth it. You are worth it. You've got this. We've got this. 💜
Wow I turned 32 on November 5th and I felt the same way. Wow! Look at God. I lost my sister march 2021 and have been in a downward slope since. Wow, this just blessed me and made me feel that I’m not alone. Thank you for sharing.
i love you cousin thanks for this ❤️❤️
You are loved and appreciated ! Thank you for sharing your story ! May this year bring you peace 💕